BALTIMORE, Maryland — Researchers at Janes Hatpins University today released the results of a decades-long study that proves what every woman already knows, namely that comfortable underwear is the cornerstone of academic and professional achievement.
“This study will change everything,” said Dr. Marge Simpson, who led the ten person research team. “There’s always been a lot of anecdotal evidence that pinching, gaping and wedgiefying underpants are the enemies of concentration,” says Dr. Simpson, “but now we have the numbers to prove it.”
The JHU study followed 1,000 women from their graduate school entrance exams through their first 10 years on the job. To meet the rigorous standards of The Scientific Method, the peer-reviewed journal that will publish the study’s results next month, the study ran numerous control groups. “We didn’t see big differences across disciplines,” said Dr. Simpson. “Basically, if you were wearing Hanky Panky, your MCAT/GMAT/LSAT/GRE scores were likely to be 20% higher than the test scores of women wearing Veronica’s Secret, Fruit That’s Lost It’s Bloom, Maidenhead or any other underwear brand. The story is the same when it comes to salaries: better panties means better performance means better compensation.”
Gale Epstein, the President and Creative Director of lingerie supernova Hanky Panky Ltd., said she was not surprised by the results. “We know what women need to succeed.”
Hanky Panky co-founder and CEO, Lida Orzeck, was more humble. “The wage gap is a serious issue. We’re happy to have played a small role in remedying it.”
P.S. Happy April Fool’s Day!